very random

damn you, doctor, damn you to hell.

“oh it’s your choice whether or not you go for an exploratory laparotomy, but when you ask for a referral I’ll just lie and say you said your gyno would be willing to do it.”


that said, I really think it’s time.  and the sooner the better, since I can’t get in with the pain clinic until July 1st. Guh.  I’m tired of people trying to decide for me how much pain is “too much” and how much I’ll “just have to live with.”  HEY GUYS, IT’S MY LIFE, LAST I CHECKED, AND I’M THE ONE WHO HAS TO LIVE WITH THE PAIN.


In completely other news, a friend of mine is trying to set something up.  It’s … kind of difficult to explain, so I’ll let her do it in her own words.

Last Monday, on the topic of only ~real~ women having curves, I got the idea for … a store, a site, a statement, a movement.  Declaring that the only “real” women are women who meet a certain standard, a certain ideal, is discriminatory, obnoxious, and wrong.  It also pairs in with the HAES [Health At Every Size] movement: that just because you’re Curvy, Portly, Chubby, Fat, Obese… whatever, it doesn’t make you any less of a woman.

Any person who says they are a woman, is a woman.

And so, I bring before you: a store.  A store that promotes subversion, against the ideals that limit us into one really uncomfortable box.  Join me in standing up and saying ENOUGH!  A site for people to gather at, to chat, to promote health and beauty in all its forms.

My goal for this: to promote the death of discriminatory labels, to promote good self esteem, to aid in just maybe brightening someone’s day.

My aim: that half of all profits [above what’s needed to keep the store running] go to charities and organizations that are actively working to promote good in the world.  Specifically, at least for now, FA/feminist/HAES places, though I would love to be able to expand to LGBTQA and others.  To do this, I need to know: what needs donations?  What needs funds to help pay its employees, funds to pay for services, funds to… well, cover just about anything?  I am totally open to ideas and suggestions.


So there you have it.  Please check out her site and store and, if you can afford it, stock up on stuff!



so, apparently I have an “amazing way of writing” and there’s no other place to hear about articles like this one. Except, you know… that’s entirely my own writing and there’s no references or anything.

I was going to let it stand on the post as a giggle, but then I looked at the “comment author” and realized that yeah, pr0n sites like to assvertize via comments on random blogs.  DELETE.


there are certain words in the English language that should never ever EVER be put in the same sentence.

Words like “needles” or “scalpels” and “girlie bits.”

Because honestly, fucking ouch.

Lady Gaga and homosexual Nazis

Yes, I know exactly how odd that title sounds.  Because yeah, it is.  I mean, hell, the Nazis killed homosexuals. A lot. Happily.  The pink triangle has been, for some time, a symbol [a mostly forgotten symbol at that] of oppression and homophobia and utter hatred.

And now, we have a music video featuring… well, homosexual Nazis.

Wait, what?

Look, a lot of the time I absolutely love Lady Gaga [Bad Romance is currently one of my favorites], but this is ridiculous.  Utterly and totally ridiculous, absurd, and [dare I say] REALLY FUCKING OFFENSIVE.  Nazis, or at least men wearing stereotypical SS/uniform hats… wearing high heels and playing with each other.  Oh, and then apparently trying to gang rape her.

Man, I am so sick of this bullshit.  I know there’s a lot of drama surrounding “retaking” a word: cunt, for example.  Or nigger.  Whatever.  But when you take something that is so utterly horrifying [the systematic planned destruction of the “subhumans” — Jews, Poles, Romani, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, sexologists, all of them] and use it… in a music video… I just can’t … I don’t honestly know what to say about it.

Yeah, there’s a time and a place to use history in entertainment [The Longest Day, Stories from Iwo Jima], even something as atrocious as the Holocaust, like in Schindler’s List.  But generally those are done with respect towards the victims, to the dead that did not deserve to die.  Not something glorifying their murderers.

Some would argue that showing them as homosexual men would be to humiliate their memory, thus reducing them to a pitiful pile of rubble.  I call bullshit.  Because according to the Nazis, homosexuals weren’t men at all.  They were … disgusting.

Suprema lex salus populi!

Communal welfare before personal welfare!

Those who are considering love between men or between women are our enemies. Anything that emasculates our people and that makes us fair game for our enemies we reject, because we know that life is a struggle and that it is insanity to believe that all human beings will one day embrace each other as brothers. Natural history teaches us a different lesson. Might makes right. And the stronger will always prevail against the weaker. Today we are the weaker. Let us make sure that we will become the stronger again! This we can do only if we exercise moral restraint. Therefore we reject all immorality, especially love between men, because it deprives us of our last chance to free our people from the chains of slavery which are keeping it fettered today.

That’s the official party line of the National Socialist Party.  As in, the Nazi party.  And in my opinion, glorifying them, their uniform, their … whatever, is absolutely appalling.  It’s disrespectful to those that died, and to those who gave everything they could to stop the murder and torture and rape and war perpetrated by them.

The Nazis weren’t gay.  Or, some of the ranking elite may have been, but it was secret, hidden, never to be spoken of around anybody.  To do so would have been a death sentence.  It was the official line that gay men were … not men, to be eliminated, rejected, “cured.”

I have so much more to say but I’m not sure how to say it right now.  It’s still very new being on “this side” instead of “an ally,” and I’ve got so much to learn.  But I don’t think I could have just stayed silent about this.  It was offensive.  Just utterly offensive, and I’m also not sure how to deal with the people… the gay and bi people that I know who are saying it’s an amazing video!  I just… don’t get it.  ugh.  Still, comments, feedback, whatever, please let me know.

Facebook and PostSecret: saving lives, one at a time

I couldn’t sleep tonight.  And … tonight, perhaps… perhaps it’s a good thing. It’s an inspiring story … of readers of a semi-obscure-ish blog banding together to help save someone’s life.

Trigger warning: suicide, lots and lots of talk about prevention, mental illnesses… yeah, it’s pretty much all here.
Read the rest of this entry »

some random things

In more than one place I’m active in, whether it’s real life or internet life, I’m running into a lot of abortion drama.  and by drama sometimes I mean “fights.”  I’m in an interesting position, because I grew up staunchly pro-“life,” and as I’ve matured and distanced myself from very certain people and religious beliefs, I’ve flipped across the aisle to HELL YEAH I’M PRO-CHOICE!

Some people don’t understand, others do.  It depends on their background, their life experiences… their beliefs in feminism and female autonomy.  It depends on a lot of things, things I can’t even begin to enumerate here because I am not all women.  Or men, for that matter.  So what I speak about, I speak for myself and myself alone.

Part of the reason that I “became” pro-choice was that I was faced with a harsh reality: attempting to keep a pregnancy to term would be Quite Bad for me, and could in fact lead to death.  My uterus is not exactly hospitable, I have enough health conditions that pregnancy would really, really suck, and to top it off I would be required to go off of my psychotropics.  And going off them is a bad idea since I could wind up, y’know, killing myself.  And honestly, I’m not ready to die over something I don’t want.

And as I realized this, right around the time that I became involved with my boyfriend, I realized that I had a choice.  A choice to live happy and stable on my medications, or to face the risk of dying [or killing myself] in an attempt to carry a fetus to term.  And depending on my choice, I could require the services of an abortion provider.  I think that I half-formed a nebulous plan at that point, and we did discuss what we would do in case of an accident, but I was cocky.  I didn’t think my BC would fail, because I was on the Ring and was pretty close to perfect use.

I thought I would never need to face that choice.

I was wrong.  I was late.  And I had a fair amount of pregnancy symptoms.  And so I flipped out.  For the first time, it really hit me that this is why abortion should be legal: so that women have a choice, a chance to decide their own fate.

I didn’t have an abortion, since I miscarried.  I was still very early along, but far enough that it really, really sucked to bleed that much [and for me to say that, it’s a helluva lot of blood] and be that hormonal until things evened out.

It happened again about four or five months later, and by that time I was on the Pill.  Apparently I’m hyper-fertile.  Lucky me, right?  And again, it was driven home that if my body hadn’t removed the parasite, I would’ve had to choose.  To choose between almost certain death, either at the hand of my conditions or by my own hand, and something I had spent twenty-two years believing was wrong.

Having to make that choice can really change a person.  To realize that all you knew about the subject was either a lie or a severe exaggeration.  To look at the website of Planned Parenthood, and finally “get” why they exist.

Now, even though I’m sterile, I am what some would term “rabidly pro-choice.”  And I’m not sorry.  I’m not sorry that I support quality of life, the right to end a dangerous pregnancy, a woman’s bodily autonomy, a chance for her to live her life in comfort, safety, and security.  I volunteer with my local Planned Parenthood in a number of different roles, and I talk about it, I blog about it, I spread the word.

And I’m not sorry.


This weekend was the one-year anniversary of Dr. Tiller’s murder.  And I’m still absolutely stunned that his murderer, the terrorist, was actually convicted for murder.  While we were hoping for it, I got the impression that a lot of us didn’t believe it would happen, because that’s the society we live in.

I’ve said multiple times that I would gladly give my life to stop that from happening here.  And when I did escort shifts, every time I approached the clinic and prepared for the day, I had to give myself a little pep talk, to calm myself.  Because even though this is a small community, the fact that we even have protesters speaks to the danger.  We’ve had people arrested for trying to get inside the clinic with a knife.  One of our sister clinics was almost the scene of a mass murder, if the police hadn’t gotten there as fast as they did.  And so, knowing that, it was very hard for me to get out of the car, put on my vest, and stand for all the world to see.

And yet, I would do it again.  I would stand there until the end of the world if I could, to help and protect those seeking services.  I would take a bullet, a knife, a bomb, if I could save the life of someone who was just trying to do what they thought was best for them.

And again, George Tiller, rest in peace.  Know that people loved you, and were so incredibly grateful that you did the work you did, because you saved lives.  You saved lives and you treated them with dignity.


To anyone who lives in Alaska: please help us defeat Initiative 2 this August.  I’m helping out by phone banking from another state [yeah, that leads to some interesting conversations!], but if you’re on the ground, anything you do would be amazing and great.

Initiative 2 would require parental notification for teens under 18 to get an abortion.  Ew.  Obviously this interferes with a woman’s bodily autonomy and places the government into a private discussion between her and her doctor[s], but in addition to that, it places teens in danger.  While the vast majority of them do try to involve a family member [parent, sibling, grandparent, whatever] in the process, there are also a lot who can’t.  Either because they’re not living with their parents, or they’re from an abusive situation, or a very religious one, or any number of other possibilities.

Imagine, if you will: a fourteen year old girl has been raped, and now she’s pregnant.  She can’t tell her parents because they’re very religious and see all premarital sex as a sin, and on top of that believe that all rapes occur because the woman ~tempted~ the man with her evil slutty ways.  If they found out she was raped, let alone pregnant, she would be in danger of: beatings, forced pregnancy and adoption once the child is born, being thrown out on the street, even death.

It is for these situations that we must defeat this measure.


I’ve been told by my doctor that my back pain is entirely due to my “body morphology,” whatever the hell that means.  Except I do know what it means: it’s my fault because I’m fat.  I got instructed to work out six days a week for at least an hour [or more] per day.

Right, I’ll get right on that.  But first, Mr. Doctor Man, can you tell me — how will I do this?  I have fibromyalgia, which means that I can either: work out three days a week for about an hour per day, OR work out four or five days a week for about thirty minutes.  If I do more than that, I’m basically bedridden for a week or so.

*eyeroll*  I’m not saying that eating better and being more active is a bad thing, and yeah, I’ve been wanting to work on that for some time.  However, a] if I’m forced to do it my motivation is about zip, and b] it’s not likely to impact my weight, period.

I am just incredibly tired of the fatphobia and fat-hate that is so prevalent in the medical world.  Bah, humbug indeed.


I will be “tabling” with Planned Parenthood this summer at the local fairs, which means I work the booth.  Awesome!  It’s going to be a ton of fun [plus hey, funnel cakes!] and I’m excited about the chance to interact with the community more about something that is so important.  Apparently people know us as “those people who give out condoms!” which I’m actually okay with, seeing as protection is SO necessary.

I just need to remember my sunscreen, or I will be as fried as the funnel cakes.