the *other* coming out

Yes, that kind.

I’ve been sitting here for the past week and a half, watching the cursor blink on an empty white space.  Mocking me.  Making fun of the silence, the lack of words.  And as sad as it is, it’s what I’ve come to expect.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to come to terms with, about this, is the fear.  The fear of being mocked, persecuted, being marginalized.  As if, once I stand up and mark myself, that I’ll never be able to hide it again, that I’ll be seen, automatically, as “one of them,” for better or for worse.

I’m Kaie, and I’m bisexual.

It’s been a long, very interesting road coming to terms with this.  I’ve been what most people would term “really fucking kinky” for a long time now, and several people have been telling me over the years that I just needed to wait, that it’d come to me, that I would come to “appreciate” the finer points of same-sex… sex, actually.

Lo and behold, they were right.  It’s not like some big trauma happened, in fact it was quite funny, but it’s like I got hit in the head with HEY, GIRLS ARE SEXY TOO!, and I can’t honestly say as I’m sad about it.  Worried about responses?  Of course.  Afraid of being the target of homophobia?  Fuck yeah, of course I am.

And yet, it’s incredibly freeing to acknowledge, at least to myself and my circle of friends, that yeah, I’m not exactly straight.  I may not ever pursue it, sure, but at least I’m not trying to hide it under my hat.

What was the most interesting about the entire thing was the reactions I got from people.  Ranging from “hunh, well… have fun?” to “Well, I kinda hoped that was the case,” to “I thought so, and I’m glad you know it,” to “totally not surprising,” to “I TOLD YOU SO” [yes, I love you too, Brandon].  And not once have I had someone tell me I was going to burn in hell.

Granted, this “discovery” would certainly explain the horrified reaction I had to someone saying that since all homosexuals were pedophilic perverts, they should TOTALLY! be executed.  Yeeeaaaahhh, hits a little closer to home these days.  In that same vein, the news stories about DADT, discrimination laws, and marriage rights are also hitting a lot harder.  It’s funny what realizing you’re part of a minority population will do to your viewpoint.

I’d already been fairly invested in LGBTQ rights, and I guess now that’s not going to go away, but only increase [not that it’s a bad thing, really], and some things are already blowing my fuse.  Like someone saying that, essentially, “we should just take the B out of the acronym and replace it with Q because they’re just queer, not ~bisexual~ and ALL BISEXUALS AGREE WITH ME!”  um, pardon, your ignorance is showing.  Because yeah, I’m bi, and I totally don’t agree.

It’s taken me two days to write this entry.  It’s hard, doing this.  All of my instincts are screaming at me to keep it quiet, keep it secret, because it will only come back to haunt me.

Well, fuck that.  This is my path, this is who I am, and I will not shy away from exploring and enjoying and explaining who I am and what I stand for.

I’m Kaie.  I’m bisexual, and I’m proud of it.

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4 Comments

  1. LarryE said,

    December 31, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Got here via your comment at Batocchio’s Jon Swift Memorial posting. (See? Those links do drive traffic sometimes!)

    Two quick things:

    1. I know no one talks about Freud anymore, but you may be interested in knowing that he thought that everyone was naturally bisexual and it is social training and experience that drives an individual to be L/G or straight.

    2. I know what you mean about the “they’re not bisexual” bit. The context was somewhat different, but I recall having an argument with someone who insisted that there is no such thing as a bisexual since you will inevitably prefer one over the other, even if just a little. Again, the context was different, but the goal was the same: to define bisexuality out of existence.

    • Kaie said,

      January 1, 2011 at 6:11 pm

      re: 1: you’re right, that is very interesting. Is there any specific piece where he wrote this? I would certainly be interested in reading more about it.

      2: Yeah, because me liking both sides makes me fake. *eyeroll* I find it very interesting that people both inside and outside the LGBTQ continuum erase bisexuality, so it’s basically getting attacked on both sides. Homophobes, yeah, that’s who they are [doesn’t change the fact that they’re so wrong], but people who are supposedly accepting of you because of your orientation saying you don’t exist, or you’re just confused? I gotta admit, it hurts pretty bad.

      • LarryE said,

        January 3, 2011 at 8:21 pm

        Re #1, ooh, sorry, but it’s been so long since I read any Freud I seriously doubt I could track down a reference now. I do remember part of the logic was that your nervous system simply responds to the stimulation of touch without knowledge of the source – the id just accepts the fact of being stimulated. So it is the ego and superego that direct and control the response.

        George Carlin had a routine on the same idea, describing a scene where you’re in the dark with someone and there’s a lot of “rubbing” and such “and the lights go on and you see it’s a person of *the same sex* you’re trained to go ‘EEEK!’ But it felt good, didn’t it?”

        Re #2, I always kinda envied bisexuals in the same way I envied synesthetes in that they could have a range of experiences which I could not. Deny bisexuals? Hell, I was jealous. 🙂

        Just know that not everyone thinks you’re “confused.” And congratulations on your proud self-acceptance and your victory over the empty white space, both, I’m sure, hard-won.

  2. Batocchio said,

    January 1, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Fine piece, thanks for linking it. Have a Happy New Year!


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